Quirk Number Two (How Ironic).

#2: Being nervous about going...well...number 2 in your dear ole' community bathroom at college.
Oh, lordy.
How can we do this?  

Yes, here is the dreaded fact that all college students will face during their time at the University. If you are like me and are living on campus, then you understand that this is a huge delima. I have not overcome this fear of going number two in the community bathrooms yet, though, and I've been here for almost two weeks. It isn't as easy as you think (unless fraudulence is all right with you).

Now, we all know how it goes at home. We go in our own bathrooms, close the door, and we are overcome with a sense of security and peace. When you have to share a bathroom that has three stalls next to each other and a urinal (for some reason there is one the women's bathroom), your peace disappears immediately. Passing waste isn't as bad when you are in a "private room" because when you make certain noises, then you will obviously be okay with it because no one heard you (hopefully). Passing waste in a community bathroom, however, isn't as nice as having your own porcelain-thrown. 

I know this may sound really awkward and you may find it either hard to read or even hilarious, but I will tell you a true story. So, my intestinal track basically hates my body. When I eat anything with the smallest amount of fiber in it, my lower-track goes haywire. They gurgle and constrict as if they were trying to pass  rocks through my small intestine. I still eat a fair amount of Fiber One bars and Frosted Flakes, but I regret it later. A day after I ate some fiber at my cousin's dorm, my body called out, "EMERGENCY," and I went to the bathroom. I swear, my face was as pink as Piglet's pig-face. Usually, when I go, there aren't many girls in the bathroom, but during this time, there was someone on the other side of the divider who was using the sink. I waited. I listened for the depleting footsteps of this girl so I could go to the bathroom in peace. Why did I wait? Well, sometimes when you push too hard, little noises come out that you wish never did. You have to wonder if they modeled toilets after amphitheaters because they make a tremendous echo.  Are you wondering how I go about going number two? Well, my dear readers, I breathe, cover my ears, and let everything go. If I can't hear myself, then maybe other people will not hear me as well. Of course, I know this is not true. It just puts me in the right state of mind.

If you want some tips on how to release your toxins in a semi-public setting, then I will give you some. Take them with you as you please, but you really don't have to listen to these ones. I know, I sound like a crazy woman right now because I am talking about pooping. Hey, it is a big freakin' deal. 

How to Go to The Bathroom In College:

Step 1: Go to the bathroom and find a stall (ends are preferred). 

Step 2: Sit down and do your thing.

Step 3: Breathe deeply and try to picture that you are at home. Turn the rusting stall walls into the (insert your bathroom wall colors here) walls of your peaceful bathroom at home. 

Step 4: If step 3 does not work, then try to sing in your head.

Step 5: If your song is interrupted by someone that comes in, then stop singing and focus on keeping your waste inside of your body until that person leaves.

Step 6: If this person does not leave, then plug your ears and hope that you aren't too loud.

Step 7: Wipe yourself  after finishing, flush, and leave the stall.

Step 8: Wash your hands. 

Step  9: If you happen to make eye contact with the person who was in the bathroom, then put your hand on your stomach and say, "Burritos." Pathetically, of course. 

Step 10: Leave the bathroom with your head held high.

Congratulations! You went number two in your community bathroom! 

Seriously, this is the hardest thing to do. I don't know if I am the only one who has a phobia of pooping in a public setting, but I think it is a problem. Most people are understanding because we all do it! However,  when you are on the spot, it seems like you are the only human being in the whole world who goes poop. My steps aren't to be taken seriously. What message I am really trying to get out there is don't stress out over it. I am still gradually trying to figure out how to be comfortable with going (even though I am almost 19-years old). The only serious tip I can give you is just suck it up and go. You will have to get used to it sooner or later. But, if you are able to find a private bathroom, then take advantage of it for those days when your Fiber One bars and Frosted Flakes have been digested. 

Happy pooping!

Love,

Tiffany G. Carwile

*Stay tuned for my third quirk! If you need motivation to finish packing, then make sure you read it!*